By Natallie St Onge

Sometimes, life gets put on hold, a constant standstill for living. Truly living.

1440 minutes. 24 hours. One day. One sun and one moon to wake you up and tell you to fall asleep. Waking up, nestling into bed, day in and day out, is only one way, one day, to live your life. So, let’s vamp this up, make this more of a predicament. 365 days. 52 weeks. One year. One year that turns into an X amount of years. How many suns will you see? Now, this does, in fact, sound like some algebraic problem that you will only find in an old, ratted text book on a dreaded page that you don’t even want to turn to because you know, of course, that you will be staring at these numbers, at these letters and words, for the next three hours. But, it’s not a formula for you to figure out, or a problem for you to dedicate every last minute of the day on. You will only figure this problem out, when your life is at a standstill. The numbers will just come to you.

My life is on hold.

June 7th marked the start of summer. One summer, three months and an infinite amount of memories I thought I was going to be making. Days at the beach, hours in the sun to prove I was kissed by the earth, and a smile permanently stuck to my lips. I thought I’d laugh and smile, clutter my Instagram account with adventurous pictures and full moons. And I thought I would stay up to meet the sun so that the only darkness I would ever encounter would be the sky falling to black and scattering among the stars, not the lids of my eyes. But, that’s not the case.

My life is on hold.

Monday-Wednesday.

1. Say hello to the world through my phone at 9:30 a.m. 2. Caramel Macchiato creamed coffee, one cup. 3. Curse my brother until he is out of my way. 4. Glance through the TV Guide. 5. Scroll through Instagram. 6. Scroll through Facebook and Twitter and decide both are boring. 7. Back to Instagram. 8. Check Snapchat and everything that I missed. 9. Buzzfeed adventures with the Try Guys. 10. Get up and throw makeup on my face to make it actually look like I have some place to be, somewhere to go, people to meet. I don’t.

Repeat 5-9.

11. Dance practice. 12. Go back home.

Repeat 5-9.

Thursday- Sunday.

1. Hello, again, world. 2. Caramel Macchiato, again. 3. He’s still in my way. 4. Friday is coming. 5. Scroll through Instagram. 6. Oh, they’re having fun. 7. Scroll through Facebook. 8. I missed that. 9. Scroll through Twitter. 10. Still boring.

Repeat 5-10.

11. I wonder how they’re doing. 12. Do they think about me? 13. No, they don’t. 13.5. Maybe? 14. Put makeup on please. 15. Go work 4+ hours and communicate! You get today, only one today, talk to somebody!

16. I’m home.

Repeat 5-10.

17. They really don’t realize.

My life is on hold.

My life is a standstill. I’m stuck in a cycle, on repeat for everything I’ve always dreaded to become. I’m not sure when it happened. Summer wasn’t the start of it, just an incredulous wakeup call that my life is moving, but I am nowhere near moving forward. The days, the hours, the weeks and the minutes, they’re all ticking by and I am only holding on to repeating.

I spend most days alone. The only company I receive from my Spotify playlist marked with an emoji and celebrities on Instagram, articles in magazines and daydreams upon daydreams. And within that time, there really isn’t anything else to think about besides numbers that create the world, the sun and how it always shines. The wind and how it floats, the birds and how they sing, the sky that swirls to cotton candy at dusk. Why I’m alone. How I’m alone. Why I think what I think, say what I say, write what I write. The reason is always the people.

7 billion people, give or take, walk this planet, breathe the wind and see the sun, stare at the stars and smell the flowers, sleep beside the moon and run with the birds. To coasts, to cities, places far outside my bedroom wall, there are people everywhere, but only a tiny, tiny fraction of that 7 billion will actually affect the life that you decide to live every day. A tiny, tiny, miraculous fraction will truly affect you, and how you affect the 7 billion. People inspire me, and somewhere along the line, I inspire people in return. But how can I do that when I’m sitting alone in my room? When my life is nothing but repeating steps?

Often, I get asked to give advice, to share anything in order to help someone with their crisis at the moment. From body peace to life talks, people come to me with problems big and small. I wonder why I was the one to come to, why I was the one who holds the information they want to hear. It’s because I’ve been affected. I’ve been inspired by my fraction. I’ve been touched by a part of the 7 billion and now, I’ve found my spot in the tiny fraction of the population.

People mean the world. The world means life and life means every day. Throughout my life, I have gained a numerous amount of people who have helped me open my eyes more and shine light on the kind of days I was living. It starts as strangers, as weird, uncomfortable, ‘what the heck’ is going on situations in the beginning, but sooner than later, an everyday talk happens, a new way to live life happens, and that then stranger, becomes a person you will never forget. To be affected means only the most simple, complicated thing on this planet: you can’t live without those people, that specific person for a day. They become your way of life.

So, why am I alone? Why is my life at a standstill?

Answer: People don’t last forever. People, relationships, do not come with an expiration date, but they do come with warning signs. They come with feelings, and awkwardness, and hurt and sadness that you can’t always repair. They come with opinions that are different than yours and they come with other people. They come alone, or they come in a tidal wave of self-doubt and anger, of joy and welcoming company for you to meet. People come with a start. People come with an end.

I’ve been affected by this. My life is on hold, because I am in midst of an end, a new beginning. And how beautiful a world for this to happen; for a few important souls to have the most impact on how you live, how you think and feel. The world is a beautiful place, through all the defeat and the sadness that occurs, both big and small. I can see it in the trees as the leaves rustle in the morning breeze. I can feel it in the grass, running and clearing my mind, just trying to escape. I can see it in the sky, in the clouds that barricade the afternoon sun, in the moon that shines over the sunset and the stars that bring all sorts of light through the darkness. You can find beautiful, miraculous ways to live life, with or without people. The earth was here for you. You were here for the earth. It takes time, but sooner than later, you will know that it’s okay to be alone. It’s okay to be in your bedroom all by yourself, wondering how everyone is doing, wondering where you can go, dreaming as big as you can, because this world has leaves, has trees, has the sunshine, has the clouds and the dirt, the flowers and the bees, the birds and 7 billion people who have all been affected by one another. Someone, somewhere out there, is feeling all the feelings you’re feeling, all the feelings I’m feeling and more. You’re not alone. A fraction of people are sitting alone in their rooms just like I am. And that’s okay. Everything is okay. People don’t last forever.

There is no telling when I will feel completely alive again, when I will be able to jump start a new schedule, one that changes every day. But, I know I can start small. I can start with new coffee creamer, or a new Spotify playlist. A new wakeup call or even a new Buzzfeed video. I can change, but change takes courage, and sometimes, that’s hard to find alone. No doubt that I won’t be able to find it, but, like everything else, it takes time. But what I will find is what I deserve

So, maybe I was chosen to write this article, to feel what I feel because I have, in fact, found courage. I have found enough to acknowledge to start something new, to feel something new, and to meet new people. Maybe I was chosen because I have so much to say and that writing is the only way I can say it with stuttering or making people walk away. Maybe I was chosen because I am not afraid to share stories, to give advice and help everyone in need, because that’s all I ever wanted. Maybe it’s because, I am alone. And people are always lonely. And maybe I am just the voice of reason, saying that it’s not always a bad thing, it can be good. Good things, can come out of the most destructive, lonesome types of life. Either way, I was struck with thoughts and feelings, with people who will always come and go, with people who will always inspire me.

I’m on hold from living, but it won’t stop me from feeling. Go out and find someone, something, worth living for. Don’t be afraid. Find your courage. Be alone. You will survive, one day at a time.

Sometimes, life gets put on hold, a constant standstill for living life. And sometimes, that’s what you’ll need to realize you are not the only one.